Back In My Angry Place

I guess it's time for an update. I just don't have a lot of good news to share, and I hate to be negative. I was waiting for something positive, and I saw the new tile today, and it looks awesome! So there it is, the positive. Now, for, as Paul Harvey used to say, the rest of the story....

Some Nashvillians have received money from the "We Are Home" program. We have not. I called to check on the progress of my application last week. Now, first of all, everybody I had previously dealt with in this application process has been sooooo great and very kind. Unfortunately, not so with the lady last week. She told me that she needed a copy of my insurance policy. I explained to her that our homeowner's association held that policy for all of our section. She asked why I had not insured the contents of my home. Frankly, I do not believe that was any of her business, but since she could have shredded my application at any moment, I told her that I had not been able to afford it. She said, "What if your house had burned down?" IT DIDN'T BURN DOWN, IT FLOODED!!!! I GUESS I WOULDN'T BE TALKING TO YOU IF MY HOUSE HAD BURNED DOWN, NOW WOULD I????? Of course, since she held all of the power, I couldn't say any of this to her, but I was screaming it in my head. Then she said she'd have to talk to her supervisor, but she didn't think she could help me until I insured my contents. WHAT CONTENTS????? I LOST EVERYTHING!!! WHAT PART OF EVERYTHING DOES SHE NOT UNDERSTAND??? Their grant only pays to rebuild the outside, anyway. It doesn't pay for lost belongings. Of course, I continued to let her talk to me like a chastised child, because I'm a weenie, and she made me cry. So, bad experience there. Still waiting for her to call me "right back" to tell me what her supervisor said.

The other upsetting thing has been the change of seasons. Usually, I love when the weather cools off. Not this year. I never expected to still be living with my parents as the seasons changed. I only grabbed summer clothes from my flooded home, so I need to go shopping for new clothes, which would usually be a fun thing, but I find myself paralyzed when it comes to that task. I have one sweatshirt that I pull on during the cool mornings, but the flip-flops are starting to make my feet cold. I miss my UGGs and my Danskos. I've contemplated moving to the beach. I wouldn't have much to pack, and what I do have is for warm weather, but there are a few kinks in that plan.

For some reason, Saturday night, I started having flashbacks to the water coming in and the carpet buckling up around my feet. I was so shocked! I was so mad! Why did I just stand there? What was I thinking? Why did I not get my daughter out of there? I wish time would turn back and take this experience down a different path. Why did God let that water come in my house? Oh, it makes me absolutely furious! The cycle of grief, I guess, is cycling back around. Denial is my favorite stage, but I can't seem to stay there, although I try.

So that's where we are in the process. Drywall is up, tile is in bathrooms and on floors. Tubs are in. Money is just about gone. I'm back in my angry place.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I heard the song that I used for this post tonight, and thought about how many different ways the title applies to me. I haven't blogged lately, because I began to think it wasn't a good idea. I was afraid I was offending people, when that was NEVER my intention. I wish more people would blog about their experiences with this flood. Has anyone heard from the "We Are Home" program? Has anyone gotten any money from them? How are other people coming in the rebuild process? Are most people moved back in? How are your children handling the loss? Do you feel all alone? Are you scared when it rains? Are you mad? Do you feel like nobody can really understand unless they have been through it? Are you as amazed as I am that life has just gone on for everyone who was not affected, while you're stuck with this mess? Do you feel as guilty as I do? I just wanted to put a little honesty out there about my experience, and I still feel like that is important and necessary.

That said, September has not been a great month for me. We were originally going to be back in our home by September. It is absolutely nobody's fault that we are not. With so many people rebuilding, there have been hold-ups at every turn. Supplies on back-order, inspectors with too much to inspect and not enough time, and pipes that are not where they were supposed to be are just a few of the problems. Now, it will be the end of September at the earliest. Even with that to look forward to, I do not look forward to writing checks regularly, and I am quickly coming to the end of the FEMA money, and I'm frantically trying to figure out where to get the next $15,000. All of this and other personal problems have had me doubting my ability to deal with all of this anymore. If only I could sleep through the month of September! Just wake me up when it's all over, or better yet, let this be a nightmare that never really happened. (We will happily celebrate the birth of a new addition to our family in a few days, my nephew, Thomas.)