Back In My Angry Place

I guess it's time for an update. I just don't have a lot of good news to share, and I hate to be negative. I was waiting for something positive, and I saw the new tile today, and it looks awesome! So there it is, the positive. Now, for, as Paul Harvey used to say, the rest of the story....

Some Nashvillians have received money from the "We Are Home" program. We have not. I called to check on the progress of my application last week. Now, first of all, everybody I had previously dealt with in this application process has been sooooo great and very kind. Unfortunately, not so with the lady last week. She told me that she needed a copy of my insurance policy. I explained to her that our homeowner's association held that policy for all of our section. She asked why I had not insured the contents of my home. Frankly, I do not believe that was any of her business, but since she could have shredded my application at any moment, I told her that I had not been able to afford it. She said, "What if your house had burned down?" IT DIDN'T BURN DOWN, IT FLOODED!!!! I GUESS I WOULDN'T BE TALKING TO YOU IF MY HOUSE HAD BURNED DOWN, NOW WOULD I????? Of course, since she held all of the power, I couldn't say any of this to her, but I was screaming it in my head. Then she said she'd have to talk to her supervisor, but she didn't think she could help me until I insured my contents. WHAT CONTENTS????? I LOST EVERYTHING!!! WHAT PART OF EVERYTHING DOES SHE NOT UNDERSTAND??? Their grant only pays to rebuild the outside, anyway. It doesn't pay for lost belongings. Of course, I continued to let her talk to me like a chastised child, because I'm a weenie, and she made me cry. So, bad experience there. Still waiting for her to call me "right back" to tell me what her supervisor said.

The other upsetting thing has been the change of seasons. Usually, I love when the weather cools off. Not this year. I never expected to still be living with my parents as the seasons changed. I only grabbed summer clothes from my flooded home, so I need to go shopping for new clothes, which would usually be a fun thing, but I find myself paralyzed when it comes to that task. I have one sweatshirt that I pull on during the cool mornings, but the flip-flops are starting to make my feet cold. I miss my UGGs and my Danskos. I've contemplated moving to the beach. I wouldn't have much to pack, and what I do have is for warm weather, but there are a few kinks in that plan.

For some reason, Saturday night, I started having flashbacks to the water coming in and the carpet buckling up around my feet. I was so shocked! I was so mad! Why did I just stand there? What was I thinking? Why did I not get my daughter out of there? I wish time would turn back and take this experience down a different path. Why did God let that water come in my house? Oh, it makes me absolutely furious! The cycle of grief, I guess, is cycling back around. Denial is my favorite stage, but I can't seem to stay there, although I try.

So that's where we are in the process. Drywall is up, tile is in bathrooms and on floors. Tubs are in. Money is just about gone. I'm back in my angry place.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

I heard the song that I used for this post tonight, and thought about how many different ways the title applies to me. I haven't blogged lately, because I began to think it wasn't a good idea. I was afraid I was offending people, when that was NEVER my intention. I wish more people would blog about their experiences with this flood. Has anyone heard from the "We Are Home" program? Has anyone gotten any money from them? How are other people coming in the rebuild process? Are most people moved back in? How are your children handling the loss? Do you feel all alone? Are you scared when it rains? Are you mad? Do you feel like nobody can really understand unless they have been through it? Are you as amazed as I am that life has just gone on for everyone who was not affected, while you're stuck with this mess? Do you feel as guilty as I do? I just wanted to put a little honesty out there about my experience, and I still feel like that is important and necessary.

That said, September has not been a great month for me. We were originally going to be back in our home by September. It is absolutely nobody's fault that we are not. With so many people rebuilding, there have been hold-ups at every turn. Supplies on back-order, inspectors with too much to inspect and not enough time, and pipes that are not where they were supposed to be are just a few of the problems. Now, it will be the end of September at the earliest. Even with that to look forward to, I do not look forward to writing checks regularly, and I am quickly coming to the end of the FEMA money, and I'm frantically trying to figure out where to get the next $15,000. All of this and other personal problems have had me doubting my ability to deal with all of this anymore. If only I could sleep through the month of September! Just wake me up when it's all over, or better yet, let this be a nightmare that never really happened. (We will happily celebrate the birth of a new addition to our family in a few days, my nephew, Thomas.)

Update

Update on the house: It looked like the drywall was almost finished when we were there yesterday, and the new kitchen ceiling is in.

Update on my life: I had a fun weekend getaway with my friends Angie, Beth, Deborah, Elizabeth, Linda, and Sheryl. (In alphabetical order so that nobody gets offended) We spent Saturday afternoon and night at mom's cabin, eating, drinking, playing Scrabble and watching funny DVDs. Scrabble does not come easily to me when I've been drinking, and I'm proud to say I had the lowest score. We shared much laughter and got little sleep, but it was so wonderful to get away for a short time! I think I gained 5 pounds and Sunday brought a headache and nausea, but it was all worth it. It's been too long since I had so much fun!

Now, I mostly live in my car. I drive 30 minutes to the girls' school and 30 minutes back twice on a good day, some days more. Cab driving is not for me. I get lonely in the car. We are all looking forward to a long weekend! I'm going to wear this car out, soon! Thank goodness for good books and good music!

Nothing more fascinating to report. The highlight of my day is usually falling into bed!

Suck It Up, Drama Queen

I guess to understand this post, you need to know where the title started. When I was learning to drive, my mother would make me pull over if I got upset. "You're too emotional to drive. Pull over." I found myself riding with an emotional teenager, recently. She felt that I was being a bit over-ly corrective. I feel that I was trying to save myself from a certain death. You can probably guess that we were both right! As she began to cry and insist that she wanted to stop, I realized that there was no place to pull over, and there was a car behind her. At that moment, I realized that, sometimes, you can't pull over when you are "too emotional to drive." In what was not my kindest parenting moment, I said, "Suck it up, drama queen, we can't just stop in the middle of the road." I'm sure I have no idea where she gets her flair for the dramatic!

Now I find myself wanting to stop my journey in the middle of the road. A lot of bad things have happened in the past year, and I feel like, for the most part, I've been a pretty good sport. Chin up, keep smiling, and all of that crap. I've shared my job hunting trials with you, so you know how difficult that has been. In July, I was offered a position as a floater 2 days a week at Parent's Day Out at our church. It was only part time, and would not come close to paying the bills, but as I continued to search for a job, I felt, at the very least, I had this to look forward to, and boy was I looking forward to it! Yesterday, the interim director called with an option to start in September (next week!!!), and I was soooooo excited. Just to have something to do and a purpose for a couple of days a week was thrilling. Then, I was told that after September, they don't need me for the rest of the year. Only I can lose a job I haven't even started! To say that I was disappointed is an understatement. Discouraged doesn't begin to describe it either. My house may never be finished because I don't have any idea where the final $15,000 to pay the contractor is going to come from, but I was just holding onto the idea that I had a small job in October. A small light at the end of the tunnel. Now it's gone, and I truly find myself in a crisis of faith. It may seem stupid, but I needed this one little accomplishment. Now, God and I are not really on speaking terms. The whole chain of events leading up to this job position disappearing have had me questioning God. It's not that I just HAD to work at Parent's Day Out, it's that I actually had some kind of job, any kind of job, and now I'm back to square one. I scrambled up the edge of this cliff, finally found a foothold, and somebody put their head on my forehead and pushed me back down. I'm not sure I want to try to climb up again.

Am I a drama queen? Absolutely! Does this mean my feelings aren't real? No. So if you are on speaking terms with God, maybe you could ask Him to hurry up and open a window now that He's closed this door. If everything happens for a reason and God has perfect timing, then I would ask that this reason and timing show itself soon, because, I'm beginning to believe these things aren't true.

Tubs, Tile, and Filling The Hours

Well, school has started again, I've successfully crossed over into the next decade of my life without losing more memory than I've already lost or breaking my hip. Now I just continue with the job search and talk to the contractor, and pay him. The bathtubs are in, and the drywall is pretty much up. Next comes the tiling. I'll try to get pictures of the progress posted, soon! When I went by the house today, my mother had already started moving us back in by dropping off a patio chair and table. Do you think she's trying to tell us something? :)

With the girls back in school, I am just trying to find productive ways to fill my day until I find a job. I will work two days a week at Parent's Day Out starting in October, but that won't pay the bills. I used to look forward to down time, but now I look forward to busy days. Loading and unloading the dishwasher and doing and folding laundry only takes up so much time. Since Ashton doesn't have her license yet, Sunday's are pretty much spent driving back and forth to church and Ashton's dance lessons and back to church. There's football on Friday nights, and Lofton's soccer on Saturday Now, to fill the hours between 7:00 a.m. drop-off and 3:05 pick-up. Soon Donna will have her baby, and I can go love on that sweetie in the daytime and spend special time with the big brother.

A Flood Can Never Wash Away My Friend Collection

First, I don't know who wrote all of that yesterday. Somebody must have hacked into my blog! :) Today, I'm not such a jerk!

It's actually been quite a trip down memory lane, today and tonight. A friend posted some facebook pics of Belmont, back in "the day." Good grief, our hair and clothes......all I can say is, you could switch up the faces in any of those pictures with mine, and it would be me! What were we thinking? What I see is that all of the stuff I accumulated, and lost is nothing compared to the friends I've accumulated and kept. I've known my friend Sharron for 32 years! Tiffany is a close second at 29 years, Jeanette and Brenda for 22, Elizabeth for 19. Then I've got great friends that I've only known for a short time, with some of my best friends right there in the middle! I've known my mom my whole life and my sisters and daughters for all of their lives! Does having such friends from so long ago make me feel old? No, just lucky. These friends will never be swept away in bad weather, and with each new year of my life, I plan to keep adding to the group! You can never have too many friends. The girl scout song is wrong, one isn't silver, while the other is gold. They are all more precious than gold, and I thank God for them every day.

Post Traumatic Sress Disorder, Anyone?

This is a big rain we've had over the past 24 hours. It has not rained no-stop, and it is nowhere near what we had on May 1 and 2. Still, after being grateful for the first hour of it, yesterday afternoon, I was not feeling quite so comfortable by 11:00 p.m. last night. It's not the thunder and lightening that get to me, it's the sound of the unrelenting rain. Then you watch the news today, and you see that some schools are letting out early due to flooded roads. Flash flood warnings are everywhere, and I don't ignore those anymore. Frankly, I'd rather my house flood again right now, while I haven't spent all my money to re-build, than have it flood once we get back in there and develop an attachment to it.

I find myself to be so grouchy on rainy days, now. I HATE being grouchy. Seems like everyone would, but some people don't seem to mind it. I prefer to smile and laugh, not bite off every body's head, complain, and feel very tempted to climb back into bed. I blame this grouchiness on this being the last day before school starts, allergies, inability to go to the pool, but the truth is, the rain scares me. I guess it will for a while. Soon enough, I'll be distracted by other happy things and feel safe again that rain won't wash away everything I own. Hopefully some man will come along like in Eat, Pray, Love, and say "You don't need a man, you need a champion." Then I'll be laughing my head off, because what man ever really says things like that??? Seriously, that would be very distracting. :)