Seeing Is Not Believing, Believing Is Seeing

We're all packed and ready to leave for Hilton Head around 6:00 or 6:30 tomorrow morning. Thanks to all who offered suitcases. I think we finally got just what we needed for the amount we're taking. It was like Goldilocks! This one's too big, that one's too small, and on it went for the afternoon. The goal is to take this week and not think too much about our situation. I am not the type to let it all go, but I don't think anyone can really do that. This is our regular family vacation, and it will be nice to get away from Nashville to a familiar setting and do what we normally do. (Even if that does mean eating at Fudrucker's one night, which I don't particularly love!) The really good news, if I haven't mentioned it, is that we will have three condos this year, so the girls and I will have our own place! We may never come home. I might get arrested when I refuse to vacate the property. My own television in my favorite place on Earth. I love Hilton Head! I'd live there, but I've developed a new fear of bad weather. :) One hurricane would send me over the edge.

Watching one of my favorite movies tonight, "Signs." If you can get past the part about aliens invading the Earth. it has some deep messages. A member of the clergy losing his faith upon the accidental death of his wife, telling his brother that there are two kinds of people. Those who believe in a higher power have hope, those who do not are left helpless and scared in the face of adversity. Do things happen for a reason? When his wife is dying, it seems that she is saying very random things to him, but those things end up saving his family's lives. He recalls her telling him to "see." When he thinks his son is dying he says, "Don't do this to me. Not again. I hate You." In the next breath, he is telling his son to "believe" that he will get better. I think it is a very honest portrayal of how people who suffer great loss really feel so conflicted in their relationships with God. Hate is a very passionate emotion, and not really the opposite of love. If you feel hate, you haven't really disconnected, as much as you claim to not care at all. I don't believe you can feel hatred if you don't also feel love. As the elf in the movie "The Santa Claus" says, "seeing is not believing, believing is seeing." And that... is my sermon on "Signs." So, go forth and believe and then, you will see. :)

I don't know if I'll blog on vacation or not. I'm sure everyone out there will be missing me, and I'll be missing you too!!!!!

It's Just Stuff

Nothing witty comes to mind tonight. I find that I cannot bemoan the loss of my home or possessions. God can take my home and my things away from me permanently. I would gladly give it all away if I could make an exchange. My dear friends have received devastating news about their unborn daughter, and that is something that neither time can erase nor money replace (to paraphrase the song that I quoted yesterday). I just cannot wait to hold my precious children tomorrow, and I thank God that we survived. That is all that matters. Many of you may never know of these friends, and their privacy during this time must be respected, but please pray for God's peace and blessing on their family.

Put It In The Attic!

We leave for Hilton Head on Sunday, so I have spent the day preparing for the trip. I wrote a huge check for the heating and air people so that they can install the new unit on Monday. (Still, not holding my breath.) They're going to put it in the attic. This is a genius idea since nothing in my attic got wet. Of course, there wasn't anything in my attic. DUH!!! We had the Christmas tree up there with the other decorations, but when I took it down, I decided that it would be much easier to move it two feet to the hall closet. How great would that be next year when it's time to put it up? Turns out, not so great. Who knew the Harpeth River would come in and flood the hall closet? I try not to think about the ornaments we lost. They went all the way back to my childhood. Maybe, now that the heating and air unit is in the attic, I won't forget I have one. The next time it rains that hard, I'll take all of our valuables up there. When we were gutting the house, my friend, Tiffany asked, "Do you have anything in the attic?" "I don't have an attic," I told her. I think my cousin, Jeff, thought I had lost my mind, because he was standing right under the pull down door. We checked, and sure enough, the attic was completely dry, but there was NOTHING in it! Live and learn!

At least it isn't that hard to decide what clothes to take on vacation, because I don't really have a lot of clothes. Turns out, you only need a couple of casual outfits and one nice outfit for church and weddings. The girls each had to take an extra pair of shoes on the youth retreat, so one pair could get wet. Extra? We all share one pair of tennis shoes! I guess I'll have to get socks and shoes when winter rolls around. The flip flops I got at the Red Cross shelter probably won't cut it, but they'll do for now, and they're perfect for the beach! One small problem has been finding a bag to pack in. I guess, since we're driving, and not flying, grocery bags would do. Once everyone decided what they were taking, there were some suitcases left for us to borrow. It will take a while to re-build our collection of clothing, shoes, and suitcases, but as one of my new favorite country songs says, "this ain't nothing time can't erase and money can't replace." I'll just have to remember to keep all of these things in the attic when we do replace them!

Welome To Frustration-Town, I Will Be Your Guide

Bad news today. Two of the three windows in the house have been replaced, but the third one was the wrong size, so it had to be re-ordered. (I can't believe we only have three windows, but I guess two sets of French doors take the place of the others that could be there.) It took a month for the windows I have to get here, so will it be Sept. before the third gets in? The contractor wasn't going to hang dry-wall until the windows were in, because he didn't want to have the inspection done with any of the windows still containing moisture. We might have to re-think this decision. The heating and air did not go in yesterday because they were behind due to power outages in other units, just like mine. They are now coming on next week, but I won't be holding my breath. I'm mad at myself for my response to the contractor's call this morning when he gave me the news. He said "I'm frustrated." I said, "Oh, no. I'm sorry. What's wrong?" The question is WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???? Why am I saying I'm sorry???? I should have said, "Join the club. Welcome to frustration-town. I'll be your guide."

Why do I continue to be surprised by the bad things that happen? You know, the Pollyanna attitude can be very annoying sometimes, and I'm beginning to annoy myself. When I was having trouble with my old job, I was advised to "hope for the best, but plan for the worst." When you are a "hope for the best" kind of person, you kind of spend so much time hoping, that the worst sneaks up on you, because you forgot to plan for it. Should I change my "always look on the bright side" ways?? Maybe not, but I think it might be a good idea to quit apologizing to other people, when I have nothing to be sorry for. I'm starting to get on my nerves! Too bad I can't take a break from myself.

This Is Gonna Cost You!

Today I took Ashton to FRA to get her new laptop, and the nice people at the help desk gave me back my Dell that they had recovered the hard drive from. It was covered with mud and muck from my flooded home. Unfortunately, the awful smell brought back BAD and VIVID memories. I had to get it out of my car ASAP. I was tempted to throw it away, but decided to recycle it, if I could find a place VERY close by. Addie ran into Office Depot, and they told her they would recycle it for $5.00!!!! When she took them the $5.00, they wanted $0.46 in tax! Seriously????? There was a trash can right outside the door, and I am telling you, it was VERY tempting, but Addie's puppy dog eyes won, and I gave them the money. The lesson learned: Try to do the right thing, and they'll kick you while you're down! This flood is costing me more money every day!

Come And Knock On Our Door

Well, progress had been at a standstill, due to NES changing the meters out (last Wednesday), and then not turning them on. Called to take care of that today (turns out, all the contractor had to do was flip a switch, but we don't want to mess anything up!), so that heating and air can go in tomorrow. Fingers crossed! Frankly, I know more about the building of a home than I was ever interested in knowing. Still battling Suntrust, but it seems to be worked out. I'd feel better if I had "it's worked out" in writing!

Church continues to be a shelter. It's youth week, and the girls are being kept VERY busy. They are such sweet girls. Amanda, our youth minister, needed an extra driver for the scavenger hunt last night, and my girls didn't act too embarrassed to have me participate. Of course, they didn't want to be on my team. Too bad for them, because my team won! I doubt they would ever say it's okay for me to do it again, but that's okay, because I'm too old to be chasing teenagers around with a video camera in this heat! I am also a pretty poor sport, and they are constantly being reminded of the victory in my car! They go to the Sounds game tomorrow night, volunteer at Second Harvest Food Bank on Wednesday, and have their retreat Thursday-Saturday. We leave for Hilton Head on Sunday, so this should keep us occupied for a couple of weeks! Hopefully the rebuild will continue to progress while we're out of town.

I survived an evening of thunderstorms with very little trauma! I have to say that I did wonder, after being reminded of God's bet with the devil over Job, if a tornado would pick our house right up and carry it away. So far, so good. I was actually more concerned with Lisa Patton's cheerful interruption of The Bachelorette than I was with the storms. Nashville needed rain, and it did cool things off!

Things we now have: Insulation, doors to the patio, and a front door!! Yay!!!! (Possibly windows, too.) When we move back in, ya'll will have to come see us, and we'll try those doors out!

One odd thing did happen today. The Comcast people wanted to come collect their boxes. I couldn't seem to make the man understand that when I said our home was flooded, and we lost everything, that included his precious boxes! Next time, I'll take the time to swipe the river scum off of the cable boxes and put those in a special "keep for 2 months" pile!

Stay-cation Over, Vacation Coming Up

We are back at Mom and Dad's, and I'm glad to be here. We had a good time, and we will miss our temporary, temporary home. Addie got to have a friend spend the night last night, and that was nice to hear them laughing and talking into the night and not have to worry about bothering my parents. Ashton went to a dance competition in St. Louis and won first and fourth place in her dances. Two nice, normal events in our bizarre world. Next week, we leave for Hilton Head with the family, and there is much to do before we go. I don't want our trip to stall out any of the rebuilding process, and all first of the month bills must be payed! If only the old song about "pennies from Heaven" were true! Of course it has to rain to get those pennies, and I don't want too much rain, although it might cool things off here!
Nothing too interesting to report right now! To be honest, one of the things I'll miss the most is watching television in bed. Hey, don't judge me! One day you might need my help answering an obscure trivia question about all of the cheesy television shows that you're too intellectual to watch! Of course, you'd proably have to appear on a television show to put either of us in this scenario! And, by the way, I've read 1 and 1/2 books in the past week, and neither had pictures!

Halfway Through Summer, Halfway Home?

Well, it's almost the end of summer vacation? Will my girls be back in their home by the time school starts? No. Am I surprised? No. Why did I ever believe that? Hey, give me a break, I was in shock! You can't remodel your kitchen in this amount of time. I mean they do it on t.v., but as much as I love t.v., I believe I'm smart enough to know what's real and what's unreal! Besides, who wants Ty Pennington standing around with a bullhorn, yelling in your ear? Maybe, it wouldn't be so bad to have him around, but not with the bullhorn, and not necessarily for the purpose of rebuilding my house. I'm sure I could find something for him to do!!!! ;)

Lonely In A Crowd

Just a quick post, because VBS family night wore me out! I talked to a fellow church member tonight whose daughter-in-law lost her home and all of her possessions in the flood. Sadly, this woman had lost her husband not long before the flood, so this loss has been especially hard on her. Family photos had become even more of a treasure to her and her children. I can't identify with the death of a spouse, but there is one part of this that I can identify with, and it has been more difficult than I would have anticipated. Going through this tragedy as a single person has been very painful. I don't often feel bad for myself that I'm not married, but going to meetings and making decisions like this alone has not been easy. It's not easy on anyone, but I find myself feeling envious of couples answering questions to the housing counselors or standing together as they look upon their loss. They don't have any more money or help than I do, but they have each other to lean on. Friends and family have been great, but it's not the same. They go to bed together at night knowing that there is somebody with-in an arm's reach if needed at any time. When it rains, and the irrational fear that it will happen again haunts your heart, it must be some comfort to have your beloved by your side. So, to be honest, it makes me jealous and sad, and I'm sure that it is harder on my friend who lost her husband so recently, because this is a vivid reminder of how alone we sometimes feel.

"We Are Home" May Actually Help Us Get Home

Well, I survived the "We Are Home" meeting. If you haven't called to schedule an appointment, and you were affected by the flooding, you need to schedule it. It's money to bridge the gap between your FEMA money and the actual cause of your rebuild. The pain is getting all of the paperwork they asked for. They don't judge you or act overly sympathetic, and my housing counselor was really smart. She found an error on my tax return just by glancing through it. (She was an accountant, and unfortunately, the error had already been found, and did not earn me any extra money.) I thought it would be a huge crowd of people all traumatized and very angry. (Like my Homeowner's Association meeting) I didn't have to wait, and it was in a nice building. No crowds or angry people anywher in sight! Plus, I now know where "the gulch" is.

The major glitch in my day was dealing with Suntrust about my mortgage. I think I know why people go "postal" now. Apparently, the good folks at Suntrust thought it would be helpful to put me in some kind of disaster program called "Loss Mitigation." What that means to me is that they post my mortgage payments a month after they get them, and put PAST DUE on my account statement. I had to show proof to the "We Are Home" people that I am current on my mortgage payments. Thanks to "Loss Mitigation," that's not possible, even though I AM current on my payments. The smartass on the (I use this term loosely) customer service line told me that he wasn't the one that signed the "documents" putting me in this program. Documents????? I signed NOTHING! I told him that he'd better produce said documents with my signature on them immediately. He then asked me to hold for a "moment," which in his world means 30 minutes. When he finally came back to the phone, he said that within 7-10 days all would be corrected. Unfortunately, my meeting was TODAY in 30 MINUTES!!!!!!!!! So I hung up on him! Don't worry, my local mortgage agent is helping me work it out, but I really wish this hadn't happened!

Other news of the day that has nothing to do with the flood, but I need to vent about: One of my girls has a friend whose mother does not approve of me because I'm a "Democrat." WTF???? I have NEVER registered as a member of any party. I am an open-minded, tolerant, Christian and I vote accordingly. It is absolutely nobody's business who I vote for, and I never discuss politics with anyone besides my parents and sisters, and maybe two close friends. I've voted for Democrats and I've voted for Republicans. I vote for people who believe in doing the right thing, people who act like I believe Jesus would act, although nobody ever comes close to Jesus! Does turning my car off when it's been idling at a drive through make me a democrat? Maybe I just want my grandkids to grow up with clean air to breathe, and I don't want to waste gas. I'm not making a political statement. Why do we feel the need for labels? I did call this weenie woman on the phone to tell her off, but she did not accept or return my phone call. People who think I say everything that goes through my mind are wrong! I hold A LOT back. I know some people who would be quivering and curled into a ball in the corner if I said everything I wanted to say! Well, now that that's off my chest, I feel better! :)

Still loving our stay-cation, and the stinkers in our VBS class crack me up all morning long!

This Is Not What I Pictured. Should I Be Worried?

Tomorrow, I meet with the "We Are Home" people to see if I qualify for any loans or grants from the Community Foundation that are being given out by the city. Maybe it's bad manners to mention specific amounts of money, but I've been known to talk too much, and I did promise honesty! I'm going to need at least $15,000 above what I got from FEMA just to pay my contractor. (And I got the max from FEMA!) They expect us to have all of this paperwork that most of us lost in the flood, but I'm finding what I can. I'm just praying I get some of that money. I don't know how they'll decide who gets what, because there definitely isn't enought to go around. I've been stressed about this meeting for a week, and today, it totally took over. My stomach has been very upset, and I am probably the grouchiest, most unreasonable person on the planet Earth. I yelled at my kids, I yelled at my poor brother-in-law about the bank he used to work for! Then my contractor called to prepare me for the fact that more payments are coming due. He said, bless his heart, "Don't worry about money right this minute." If I got payed to worry about money, I'd be soooo rich! Frankly, I'd be soooo rich if I got payed to worry, period. Worry is my middle name. My favorite children's book is "Wimberly Worried" by Kevin Henkes. My parents should have named me Wimberly! I worry so much that it's just a way of life, so I don't even feel overly stressed by it, usually.
I talked to a friend today, and we were sort of bemoaning our financial woes and job, or lack of job, situations. I said, "This sure isn't where I pictured myself at forty (which I am NOT until August 23)." She agreed, and I got to thinking about how I wonder if any of us are where we pictured ourselves. It's amazing how, ten years ago, I thought everything would be totally different than it is now. Sure, I was in an unhappy marriage, but we would fix that! We would be financially stable with a country club membership, and I would be shuffling the girls around to all of their "well-rounded" high school activities in my Volvo SUV. Guess what? You can't fix anyone but yourself, I'm not one bit financially stable, and I wouldn't be even if there wasn't a flood. Also, my girls aren't big into 'joining" the "well-rounded" high school activities, and that Volvo SUV would just about pay for the re-build of my home! So I guess I'm just not "living the dream." Who is, really? Even if you are, is it the dream you pictured ten years ago? I am where I am, and I'm not going to have the life I pictured, but I will still turn forty.
It might look like some people have it all, but who's to say what they have is what they pictured ten years ago.
So.....here's where I am today: totally stressed out about the meeting tomorrow because "worry " is my middle name. I'm also trying to love the life I have every day, because it's the only one I have! I've also learned that, while it's okay to dream of your wonderful picturesque future, don't be surprised when ten years from now, you're not where you pictured yourself. Maybe your life will be even better than you imagined! We'll talk about this again when I turn 50!

I Lost "LOST!"

It's easy to think about all that we lost. Honestly, I miss the material things. I miss my good make-up, my shoes, my bed, my cute suitcases, my beautiful furniture, my cute travel coffee cups. And, how's this for brutal honesty? I miss having a television in my room and my DVR. I'm freaking out a little that I admitted that, and I'm thinking about deleting it, but I won't. I've thought a lot about why this is what I miss the most. Am I really that much of a television addict? Yes, probably so, but I don't think that's all there is to it. Having my own t.v. was about being able to control what I watched. The DVR allowed me to have my favorite programs ready and waiting for me whenever I wanted to watch them, and if I liked an episode, I could save it, and watch it again. I'm sure all of the "LOST" fans out there will literally gasp with despair and empathy over what I'm about to tell you. "LOST" was on at the same time as one of our other favorites, so I recorded the last season every week. Due to the fact that I really don't watch as much t.v. as I am making it seem like, I never had time to watch this season. I was waiting for a "rainy weekend" to watch and catch up. Unfortunately, the "rainy weekend" took my DVR away from me and washed "LOST" down the river! DO NOT tell me what happened. It will come out on DVD soon!
The point of this embarrassing admission of how much I miss my t.v. and DVR is this: What I miss the most is having control over what I do and when I do it. I picked what I watched on t.v. and, thanks to technology with the DVR, when I watched it. Now there are so many things that I have no control over. Missing those material things is just a simplified way of looking at it. All will be replaced eventually, but I have no control over how or when that will happen. Just trying to get grants and aid gives you an out of control feeling. They want all of this paperwork that I don't have. What part of "everything is gone" doesn't make sense? So, yes, I've admitted to two of the things I really miss, but I hope I've helped you understand that these "things" represent more than just my addiction to the small screen, but also my wish to feel more in control of my life.

Shelter From The Storm

We have been given shelter from this storm in so many ways. Although we are taking advantage of the offer to stay in this wonderful home this week, it's not the first home offered. Many have offered their homes to us as they have taken different trips. This has just been the first time that we have been able to take somebody up on it. And of course, my parents have offered us shelter. My sister, Donna, lets us take refuge at her house for dinner several times a week. The shelter that I have found comfort in lately has been my church. Anyone can tell you that I have not been the most dedicated when it comes to church attendance. My Sunday School class has been ministering to us long before the flood even thought about entering my home, and they are still at it!
The shelter I have found at church has been normalcy. Friends that smile and talk about other things. The continuity of worshipping on Sunday morning has been important. I realized this today, when we missed worship for a 2nd Sunday in a row. I don't feel like I have to give excuses, but last week Jennifer landed in Nashville during church, and this week Ashton was sick. Still, I felt a longing to be there. Sitting where my family has been sitting since I was 7. (Baptists are very territorial about their Sunday seating, but they'd never admit it.) The Pastors have changed, the worship service has changed, the hymns are not always the favorites from my childhood memories, and everyone will tell you, I do not like change. What hasn't changed is the sense of community. The smiling faces of friends that I have known for years, and new faces that I feel as if I have known for years. These are people I love, and people who love me. Love has become my shelter from this storm.
As we set up for Vacation Bible School today, I was so grateful to be doing something normal. Something that kept me busy and that was familiar to me. I loved talking with other moms about teenage girls, laughing with the youth who were helping Donna and me blow up the inflatable solar system. Sweet Grover Baker was a saint, standing in a folding chair to help us get the lines strung across the ceiling to hang the planets from. We popped in and out of each other's spaces, complimenting the creativity of others. Joyce Peterson was a doll to check on my sick daughter and come find me. This is normal. We weren't victims or refugees or survivors. This is what we do in the summer.
Amazingly, today, it wasn't love that people felt for me that bolstered my spirits. It was the love I felt for them. I love everybody I saw today, and it feels so good to love other people! Instead of being annoyed, I felt warmed by the quirks and personalities of these dear people. Name anybody who crossed my path today, and I can tell you what I love about them! I love my sister and my girls, and I love working with them on VBS! Shelter does not need to be a place, although I have plenty of places that have sheltered me recently. Shelter can be a feeling.
So I guess I am blessed. Blessed to have so many wonderful people to love!

If You're Blessed, Then What Am I?

It's a day to cycle back through the angry stage of grief. I'll just be honest, because I told myself I would during this blogging experience. When I drive through my neighborhood, and see people carrying their towels as they walk to the pool, walking their dogs, or just living life in their untouched homes, I feel jealous and angry. So many people have said, "I'm so sorry. We were really blessed to have it miss our house." Okay, I agree, but if you're blessed, then am I cursed? Remember when someone used to insult you by saying you were ugly or stupid or something, and you would say "I know you are, but what am I?" (Actually, my sister, Jennifer, still says that!) How does all of this work? I agree that people untouched by the flood are blessed. The question is, where was I the day that blessing was given out? I really don't like to think that I'm the opposite of blessed. We all have blessings in our lives. Just being alive is a blessing, but if I'm blessed to be alive, were those who died cursed? Are some people on a higher tier of being blessed? This makes me think of Scientology where Tom Cruise is considered to be somehow more high up in their "church" than others. Why? Because he's famous? Because he ignorantly rants about his views on post-partum depression and people listen to him? I wonder, would the river have gone around Tom Cruise's house? Like many of you, I had crosses hanging over my doorways. Hey, God, WHY WASN'T I BLESSED? Now, don't try to answer for Him. Don't give me a list of all my blessings, because I already know what they are. Besides, this approach only makes a grouchy person grouchier. It's just one of those days. It's an angry, grouchy today. The good news is, with God's blessing, I'll feel better tomorrow! :)

P.S. The girls and I are loving this stay-cation!

Why Can't Everyone Just Be Nice?

Yesterday, I talked to my contractor, Mark about the status, and what was coming up. All is coming along well, but we have two codes inspections coming up. He told me that we needed to be careful about this, because the inspector who went into his parents' home had said "you know, I could make you tear all this out and start over." You know what, why can't people just be nice to each other in this situation? Haven't we been through enough? Yes, the inspector could make them tear the dry-wall out, and we all know they have all the power, but why would he make them tear it out for no good reason? Maybe I'm a dreamer, as John Lennon said, but I keep expecting kindness from people, and I am not going to change my expectations. The world may never be the way I want it to be, but that's not going to stop me from expecting it to be that way! If everyone could just show a little more kindness, this difficult time would be just a tiny bit more tolerable.
The girls and I are enjoying the first night of a 10 day "stay-cation" at our sweet friends', Erin, Bill, Lindsay, and Logan's home! My parents won't know what to do without us, and I'm sure they are already quite lonely, but they'll muscle through it! :) Jennifer and her two youngest boys flew back to California tonight. Donna and James will have empty-nest syndrome, too! We've all been sharing close quarters lately! I drove Jennifer and the boys to the airport. We knew the VP was flying into Nashville "sometime late this afternoon," but we did not know what time, and I figured 5:15 qualified as early evening, not late afternoon. We got there okay, but I felt that something just wasn't right on the interstate. It was too quiet going the other way. Well, maybe that was due to the total lack of traffic. You could not leave the airport unless you took Donelson Pike. Thankfully, I have friends who talked me down from the ledge of the paralyzing terror that goes along with having absolutely NO since of direction. For future reference, if I tell you to turn left, it is in your best interest to turn right! Why no GPS, you may ask? I do have it in my car (I lack an internal compass, but I'm not stupid), but we were in mom's car because it had all the car seats in it! I'm just rambling, now. The point is, we are in our own space for 10 whole days! YAY! Don't worry, we're not far, and we can still visit Mom and Dad all the time!:)

Insulation!

Great news! Insulation will go in either tomorrow or Friday! Our original hero has offered this service to us, and we are blessed to know such a great person who has his own insulation company! Thanks, Scott!
We took Jennifer by the house tonight, because it may be the last chance to see it stripped down to the studs! Yay! I told Addie that if she wanted to see it before the rebuild really gets started, tonight was the night. She did want to see it, and it was a relief to all of us, including Addie, that she handled it well. Actually, she asked if she could look around out front where the river had come up, and when we got ready to leave, I locked the door, got to the car, and realized she wasn't with us! Terrified that I had locked my baby inside her worst nightmare, I rushed back into the house, only to go to the front door and find her checking out a huge, fallen tree all the way down the hill. Donna came running in after us expecting to find her in the middle of a nervous breakdown, but she just looked at us like we were crazy.
Here's a funny for the day: We left the little boys in the car, so that we could take a quick look. (There is nothing quick with an almost 3-year old, a 3 year-old, and a baby in tow.) Lofton, Donna's son was hanging out of the car window calling to the girls. Then, he threw a floatie(water wing, swimmie, whatever your family calls those arm things) out of the window and yelled, "Here, take this, your house is flooded!" HA! If only that could have been the solution to this situation! I think that kid is a budding comedian!

Visible Progress

Just a quick post to say that there was visible progress today. Mark, our contractor, has been working hard all along, but I can't see that the studs are dry with my eyes, or that the house has been treated to prevent mold. I know it, but it's hard not to be able to see it. Today, the new doors were delivered, and Mark had already installed one set! Yay! Go Mark! He's probably regretting taking this job because the first thing I did was call him to make sure the doors weren't going to be that ugly gray color and would be painted! Already questioning him! Sorry, Mark! :) Anyone who tells me to call them if I have any questions usually ends up regretting telling me that!
Just a little funny note: My sister Jennifer drove through the neighborhood today, and this is the first time she's been in Nashville since before the flood. She said it looked so dirty over there. I had to laugh, because this is nothing compared to how dirty it looked AND smelled at first! Also joked about how I don't even have a pot to #@#@ in! Since I make it a priority NOT to use portable potties, this is also quite true!
It's the little things like a new door that bring smiles to our faces and cheers from the family!

What a bad day feels like

I wouldn't say that I have sugarcoated things at all in earlier posts, but today was a REAL day. It was a hurting day, a crying day, an angry day. I woke up to a cloudy sky, and my main concern was that my visiting sister would miss out on her hopes for a sunny afternoon by the pool. I turned on the weather channel to see what was up, I'll tell you what was up: the water level. Kansas was having flooding, interstates in Memphis were flooding, and all of this was a perfect opportunity for them to remind us about the floods we had in Nashville in May. Was this coming my way? How much could I pay my contractor to stand at my front door all day long to insure that the univited water would not enter my house? Would the rain "re-wet" my finally dry enough to insulate house? Will I be this terrified forever? All good questions, and so far no flooding in Nashville.

Still, there was a sense of anguish today that gripped me and left a lump lodged in my throat. Something I have learned is that there are many "theaters" in life where you can be "centerstage." When you do something good, you are in the "fabulous person" theater, and oh, how the pride and love of all who know you washes over you. Then there is "the biggest loser theater." (and I do not mean the one where you win money and beauty by losing the most weight.) I know a lot about "the biggest loser theater, because I've spent a lot of time in the spotlight on that stage lately. I used to love the show "Emergency" where two firefighters, John and Roy would rescue people from the ridiculous trouble they had gotten themselves into. I don't suppose anyone remembers the time the lady got her big toe stuck in the water spout in her bathtub? I would fantasize about john and Roy rescuing me, the damsel in distress, as crowds of people worried about my well-being , holding their breath until my dramatic rescue. Now I only wish to turn the spotlight off. Send the crowd of awe-filled onlookers away. Nothing to see here, I want to shout!

But there is plenty to see. My entire family revolves around my problems. My deacon swears she hasn't asked to have me removed from her care group list, but I'm afraid she drew the short straw again! I am tired of being the one who is sick. I am tired of being the one without a job. I am tired of being the one who lost everything in the flood. How dramatic does that sound? I am definitely the star of the biggest loser show, and again, it is not due to enormous weightloss. I'd like to move to the "we're making it okay theater" where plenty of people share the spotlight. I hate being a burden on people who love me,especially my parents. Today was just one of those days filled with frank conversations about my shortcomings and how frustrating I am to others. I knowGod has perfect timing. I've seen it work that way before, and although I am sometimes willing to wait for His timing, it is painfully difficult to do this when my family has a different idea of what good timing will be.

Today I have been mad. I am mad that people often feel free to point out the things I am not doing correctly or quickly enough, but fail to notice that I am giving of myself in the way that I can be right now. Some days it is easy to see how one person kicking a dog can draw in several more. I could never see somebody crying and yet continue to say things to add to the tears, but I am often told that I am too sensitive. Maybe so, but I wouldn't change that about myself. Because I don't have a job (God, please, send me a job!), I am available to pick my nephew up at school, babysit for my nephews, volunteer at Vacation Bible School, make myself available to a friend suffering from a normal bit of the baby blues. I am here to listen when my mom wants to talk about some of her frustrations and sadness. I am still a valuable person, and I am a person with feelings who hates feeling like my parents aren't proud of me anymore. I am a person who gets angry when someone doesn't give me credit for my attempts to look for a job. Then, when I need to take tomorrow to go apply for another job, I feel guilty because who will watch my sisters kids if I'm not available?

So, yes, today has been a BAD day. No progress made on the rebuild, it is pouring rain as I type this, and today was "get Suzanne in a room and tell her all of the ways she is letting you down or pissing you off day." There is NOTHING you can say to me that could make me feel worse about myself. There is much that you can say that will bolster my spirits and encourage me, but today, I would have felt better being taken outside and had rocks thrown at me for an hour, than to have listened again to how I was bringing the family down. So, if you don't mind,I'd like to step out of the spotlight in the "biggest loser theater." I want to be an audience member. And I'll promise you this: I will love and support you no matter what theater you end up in! I will cheer you on, and I will not doubt your efforts.

What does this have to do with the flood? After a day like today, there is nowhere on this Earth that I would rather be than HOME! The flood has taken this one refuge away from me. I have to live and be with some of the people who would shockingly throw me under the proverbial bus. There is no escape for me and my children, little privacy, and anger all the way around. Sometimes I feel like I've been such a failure that it is somehow my fault that my home flooded. How's that for transparency? Not pretty, but true. Don't worry, I'll feel better tomorrow when the rain slows down. Just don't want to blow sunshine up your, well, you know. It's not easy everyday, and today was rough all the way around.

Living with Mom and Dad (again)

First let me say, that if I did not mention you in the first post or all of the ways everyone helped, it is because there was such an overwhelming amount of help and support. I know I left out my friend Tiffany dragging wet carpet, drywall, etc. out of the house. Deborah and Beth spent the transitional day getting me moved from Scott's to my parents' house, then took me for a huge Girl's Night Out at a critically important emotional time. My church, Immanuel Baptist, spent a day removing bathtubs, cabinets, more drywall, etc. Suzanne McCloud folded laundry for us, and so many people have sent notes of encouragement, so thanks, thanks, thanks to all of you, especially if I didn't mention you.
Now to the subject at hand:
Moving in with my parents has been a huge blessing. So many people do not have relatives to live with, and we are truly lucky. That said, it has not always been easy. The first stage of grief that I went through was definitely anger, and I stayed there longer than I feel like was healthy. The first day we were here, my dad was in the same place. There were some things that shouldn't have been said, but we worked through them. Initially, I was so busy applying for FEMA aid, dropping christening gowns, quilts, and jewelry off to be cleaned and salvaged, and simply making sure the girls made it through the end of the school year that things seemed to be moving along smoothly. It is never easy to have extended house guests or to BE extended house guests. As one of my daughters said, "I feel like we're always in the way." That is definitely true sometimes, although I'm sure my parents do not feel like we're in the way.
There have been days when I have driven myself to my shell of a house, stood in the middle of it, and just cried. There have been days when we finish dinner, and my instinct is to tell the girls to get their things together so we can go home. Oh, but there is no home to go to, I remember as my heart drops to the ground. Fortunately, my parents had an extra car, and my mother was kind enough to let us use hers until the insurance check for our car FINALLY came, and we replaced it 2 weeks ago.
When we first started talking about the rebuild, my mother suggested that we knock out a few walls for a more open floor plan while we had the chance. After a month of living with us, I think she'd like to build more walls here at her house! You can hear every television in the house when they are all 3 on, and dueling volumes is a favorite pastime. This house gets more sunshine than any house I've ever been in, and I could swear the sun comes up an hour earlier here. No more sleeping in, but that's good for us! There aren't many places to have private phone calls or kiss your boyfriend goodnight. (Poor Ashton!) I guess I've learned that walls are a good thing!
The girls are not able to have friends over as much, due to plain lack of space, and that was something we loved about our house. Finally, we all had our own room, and were able to have lots of sleep-overs and parties. Sharing a bathroom with two teenagers has not been a pleasure, but we have agreed to respect each other in that respect. I should mention that the water company called Dad to make sure he didn't have a leak, but he assured them he had 3 female refugees showering and doing laundry which explained that! Still, I miss my bathroom! Now that it is summer, my job search has really amped up, and I am desperate not to look idle in my parents' eyes. Although, they say they are not judgmental about this, I am paranoid, and feel the need to rattle off a list of my days' accomplishments every night.
We have been offered many homes to stay in at many different times, some overlapping, but I feel that, for the most part, consistency is important for the girls, and moving them around is not in their best interest. They went to church camp for a week, and I went to stay at mom's lakehouse in KY to give everyone some downtime. Donna invites us over for dinner a couple of times a week to give mom and dad a night at home like it was pre-flood! We are taking a good friend, Erin, up on living at her family's home while they are out of town for 10 days. We'll feed their dog, and it will be good to have some family time with just us three girls. I'm sure Mom and Dad will appreciate it, too.
So....it's not the worst thing that has happened, but I think we'll all be happy when the girls and I are settled in our own home again. For now, we have decided not to question "how will we survive this?" Instead, we put one foot in front of the other, and keep in mind that it won't be forever. What is forever is how grateful I will be to my parents for taking us in, continuing to love us, and doing it all with a smile! This is quality time with the two people who have always loved me more than anyone else, and I will treasure it forever!

I thought I'd post a few pictures of the house during the clean-up period. You can also see our poor car, and our belongings piled up in the street.

catching up

On May 2nd, 2010, the "creek" down the hill in our front yard showed itself to be the Harpeth River and came in our front door for a visit. My youngest daughter Addie and I sat helplessly on the couch with no electricty as water rose to our ankles. Through God's will, alone, my oldest daughter, Ashton was spending the night with a friend whose father insisted on coming to get us. (Our car was already under water up to the tires.) We had already dutifully unplugged all of the appliances and televisions, placing the cords up high, gathered clothing and things off of the ground, placing it on the beds. Surely, this would save our things! When our hero arrived to pick us up, he called and told us we would have to walk out to the main street. His car could not safely come down to our home.

I had spent the rainy day of May 1st lecturing my children on how they should NEVER drive or walk through rushing water when they could not see the bottom. Now, I was insisting to my dumbfounded 14 year-old that she walk through the thigh-high water. There was no choice. She tearfully gripped my arm with one hand and a tote bag with some important things in her other hand. I thought to get my contact supplies, glasses, toothbrush. and insulin supplies. Toothbrush, you may ask? In my hurry to prepare my house, I had not brushed my teeth that morning, and I certainly did not want to offend anyone with my dragon breath! We made it out of the water ant to his car with only a brief stumble. He then went back to help another lady get her mom out. On the drive to his home, we had to drive through some standing water on the road, which brought on extra tears from Addie, as well as some pleading for him to go another way. I guess I'm pretty good at scaring the crap out of my kids with my lectures!

We were reunited with Ashton at her friend Ashley's dad's house.(Scott) His girlfriend greeted us with hugs, towels, and dry clothes. Such kindness from someone I'd never met before. The girls all watched movies throughout the day, while I assured family members that we were safe. Scott took Susie, his girlfriend, back to her flooding neighborhood to get her dog, and he promised to check on my house. When they returned, hours later (many detours due to flooded roads), they had Susie's dog, but not great news for me. Scott took me aside and told me that it was "pretty bad." They were evacuating our neighborhood with school buses and boats. Still, denial is a strong emotion, and I wasn't panicked, just grateful.
Next, our hero took us to Target for a couple of changes of clothes, p.j.'s and underwear. Also, I had left two prescriptions at home which we had re-filled. When we returned home, we ate dinner, then let the girls watch more movies (Susie's 14 year-old daughter Laura was also there) while the adults watched the news coverage. We were all (the grown-ups) feeling a little less pain and anxiety thanks to some well-timed drinks for Scott and Susie, and a Xanax for me. I watched as my entire neighborhood was shown on the news with water all the way to the top of the car-ports. Our neighborhood movie theater and soccer fields were all under water. Still, denial was holding me together. We'd go back to wet floors, but we could most surely clean that up, right?
Finally, two days later, we prepared to go back and see what had happened after the waters went down. Scott, thank heavens, had a plan. We would go in and try to save what we could. Clothes could be put in garbage bags, rinsed, and washed. My parents were at the house when we got there, and I really do not think I have ever seen them look so helpless. I entered my home to see a water line on the wall at about 5 1/2 feet. EVERTHING had been underwater. Shoes had floated from my closet to the living room. The refridgerator was on it's back as well as huge pieces of furniture. Paralyzed, I was grateful for Scott's leadership. He instructed Ashley and Laura to help Ashton and Addie get what they thought they wanted to save, and my parents helped me do the same. We all donned rubber gloves and got to work, but really, who could think straight at that point? The truth was, we had lost it all. The home I had finally bought on my own, The home that we were so proud of. The home where we volunteered to host youth parties while others ran from such a thought! Our decorating, our collected furniture, our MEMORIES, our pride and joy, gone! All gone!
We got what we could, Addie tearfully trying to save everything, Ashton picking up random pieces of clothing and letters from fellow church members that she had received at camp the year before. Scott's washer worked overtime for 48 hours, and he took 4 pieces of heirloom furniture to his warehouse. We still do not know if these things can be saved. In my wildest imaginings, I had never expected this to happen to us. A painful, drawn-out divorce, custody battles still brewing, an unexpected surgery, hospitalization, and diabetes diagnosis had all been hanging over us lately. Surely, we had not just lost everything we owned, including our beloved new to us, gently used car! How could this be? Do you hit rock bottom, only to be dragged across it for many more miles?
We settled in at mom and dad's the next day, and Scott sent his insulation workers in to tear out wet dry-wall and insulation for us. (Again our hero) The girls immediately returened to school where they were given new uniforms, computers, and textbooks. The school community rallied around us, buying shoes for the girls, sending meals well into the summer. One of Addie's classmates invited her to go shopping for a graduation dress (I had totally forgotten, seemed like all I could do was wander around aimlessly with my hand on my head), even paying for the dress and sweater she wore over it. Donations began coming in, friends helped sort out things we had saved and transport them from Scott's to Mom and Dad's.
Next came the inevitable clean-up. My wonderful cousin Jeff agreed to com in the Saturday after the flood with his son and some of his son's friends to help clean the drywall, insulation, furniture, and everything else we had lost out of the house. That same day, I received numerous phone calls from West Minister Pres. church, and they sent volunteers, as well. Two of them had taught my children in elementary school. With that help, and the help my brother-in-law , James, we got the debris out of the house and into a pile outside of the house. There it stayed for weeks. I would go by to check the mail, and have to look at our beds piled up outside the house. I finally decided that I could not look at this any more, and my mother agreed to check my mail.
We were quick to receive FEMA money, but it will not be enough to cover the re-build, much less the furnishings. They finally hauled away the debris, and we have a contractor at work. Neighborhood Association meetings have become a nightmare. We are SLOWLY moving forward, each breaking down from time to time. Addie will not return to look at the house. Hopefully, she will go back when we are finished rebuilding. More to come on how we are functioning together with three generations under one roof!