I Dreamed A Dream In Time Gone By

In the interest of brutal honesty, I find myself really down as forty races toward me. I have always thought it sad and strange when people seem down about turning another year older, but now I identify. Am I more down due to the flood? I don't know. I will never know how I would feel if we hadn't lost our home. It's part of our story now, part of what is. I can never say what would have happened if we had been spared the high water. What makes me sad about turning 40 is that I am not anywhere close to where I dreamed that I would be. Some say they do not remember wondering if they had met their life's goals as the years went by, but I would say that you only think about it and feel sad if you are NOT where you'd like to be.

Sure, not many of us are living the life we thought we'd be living 20 years ago, but different isn't always negative. Some people are doing better than they expected. Can you imagine how many firefighters, policemen, ballerinas, and princesses we would have if our exact dreams had come true? So, different isn't what's getting me down. It's okay that my marriage didn't turn out to be what I dreamed. I made peace with that many years ago, even before it "officially" ended. Here's what feels a bit negative to me: I have no career or financial security, no partner to spend the rest of my life with,and I live with my parents. Hopefully, all of this is temporary, but right now I feel like a huge loser. I've been encouraged to look to the future, and make my plans for the next 20 years, and, don't worry, I have. I still have hope, and that's what will get me through this milestone. That doesn't stop me from worrying that I will be alone at 60 with no kind man by my side who thinks I hung the moon and loves me more than anybody else, or that I won't be able to take care of myself financially.

I know this is a downer post, but it's honest, and I'm not always inclined to look on the bright side. (Just most of the time.)

Lofton Puts It Into Perspective

I got to see things from a different perspective this afternoon. I took Lofton, my 3 year-old nephew, to see "Mr. Vick" building the walls in the house. It was really interesting to see his excitement over the construction instead of the devastation that we see as grown-ups. I should look at it his way every time, because it is exciting to see the progress. When we went into my room, he asked, "what is this?" I said, "This is Aunt Sissy's room. Remember, the bed was right here." He asked, "Where is it now?" I just told him I was getting a new bed. When we got home, after our trip to the ice cream store, he put his hard hat and his Home Depot apron on, and pretended to build things around the house.

It's been kind of a down day for many reasons. Coming home to Nashville, but not going home, after vacation has been difficult for me. There has been a tragic turn of events in the lives of people that I care for. I really appreciate having good friends who are willing to stop in the middle of their busy lives to go out to dinner with me and make me laugh. Life is full of blessings, and sometimes a pre-school aged child sees them more clearly than I do.

Surprise Me!

The dry-wall started going up today! It will be nice to have walls again. It's time to start making those decisions that are better left to the grown-ups, like bathtubs, fixtures, cabinets, etc. As I look around, I realize that I am the grown-up. How and when did this happen? I certainly don't feel equipped for this, but I can't just let somebody else decide for me, can I? Thank goodness Donna likes to pick these things out. Maybe she can be the grown-up. I still haven't gotten over my trip to the appliance store, and they had a package picked out for me. All I had to do was decide on the color, and I've already changed my mind about that. How much longer do you think I can pretend to know what I'm doing? For some reason, saying, "Surprise me," to the contractor seems like a bad idea in this situation, but it is tempting.

It has been an adjustment being home from vacation. The long drive took its toll on all of us, and I have been especially tired. That mixed with some very sad news has brought me down a little today. We did have a wonderful dinner of fried corn, cucumbers and onion, tomatoes, green beans, and fried chicken cheered us all up! I promise that I am not an emotional eater, but farm grown veggies are always good for the spirit. Still, it would have been lovely to have awoken on Hilton Head and had a day of sun and a good book. It's definitely much hotter here, which seems a little surprising, but it was cooler closer to the ocean.

Last Day On The Big Tennis Shoe

We're definitely not a two week vacation family. We could become one if money permitted, but we'd probably have that bumpy day in the middle of the two weeks, like the one that we always have at the end of extended time together. Yesterday, everyone was a bit grumpy. I guess, we all tried to cram the end of vacation into one day. (Kind of doing that again today, but hopefully, yesterday was the hard day.) At least two of us ended up in tears at one point, maybe there were more, but I only know of two. There was a bit of exhaustion and snapping at one another involved. I hate to say it, but golf was taken out of the equation today, which will most likely help, over all, but there is one Papa who might be in tears.

We moved out of our very own place this morning, and will share with Donna and James for the last day and night. That was sort of a bummer to say goodbye to my favorite condo here. The pool over there is better, and less crowded. We had a huge thunderstorm last night, which was quite amazing to watch, but I still sense the stress in my daughters when the weather turns bad. Addie said she had heard a man on the beach say that a hurricane was coming. I assured her that we would be long gone before a hurricane hit, and that Hilton Head is rarely hit full on by hurricanes. We watched the weather, and I showed them how far away any tropical storms were. Honestly, though, I was just glad we were on the second floor, and that we didn't own that condo. The sun is out today, and we are all enjoying our last day!

Now for good news from Nashville: We passed the framing inspection, and dry-wall can begin on Monday! Of course, with progress, there must be another payment made. Hopefully I can swing this one! It is nice to have good news to come home to. It will be hard to leave this island shaped like a tennis shoe. It would be even harder if it were shaped like a flip-flop!

Shannon Tanner and "Blankies"

Best family vacation ever!!! We went to our traditional Fudrucker's dinner and Shannon Tanner show. As he was singing, he pointed out a little girl with her blankie, and I found another thing to be grateful for. We were able to get both girls' blankets and bunnies, Emma Bean and Mr. Fluffles out of the house. When Scott Lewis went back to take my grandmother's pie safe to storage, he found the knotted scrap of Addie's original blanket that I had put in there for safekeeping. He said, "I knew this was something important." Oh, how important, more to me than to her! (She lost it once, and probably would not have been so upset if I had not been freaking out like a lunatic.) Tonight, I am thankful for Shannon Tanner and blankies!

Half Empty, Half Full? It's Just A Glass With Some Stuff In It

We are halfway through our wonderful vacation. I'm torn between looking forward to the next three days, and dreading leaving in three days! Don't ask me if I'm a glass half empty of half full kind of person, because I can't tell you. I'm both, on a pretty equal basis. I drank half the juice, but I have half of it left to drink! I'm trying not to get that "Sunday night" feeling until we have to pack up on Saturday night.

We are having a blast! We celebrated Lofton's 3rd birthday last night with our whole family and Lofton's God-parents from Charlotte, NC and his cousins in their family. It was a load of kids, and you can never be around too many kids! I guess that's the teacher in me, but it keeps me young. In 19 days, I will be celebrating a big birthday.....25!! Just kidding, I'll be 40 this year. We've been coming to Hilton Head for twenty years. I cannot believe I have lived so long, and I sure don't feel 39 years and 346 days old. It's been so great to just have family dinners each night. We all take turns cooking. Tomorrow night is the big night out: Shannon Tanner at Shelter Cove and dinner at Fudrucker's. Shannon Tanner is a tradition from my girls' childhood, and somehow, within the last 5 years, Fudrucker's has become a tradition. Gigi and Papa get a night off.

I heard from the "We Are Home" people who are offering grants and loans from the city of Nashville. They're coming by to inspect the damage next Friday. I have my fingers crossed that they will help fill the gap that is left after the FEMA money. Please let the city of Nashville follow through on this!!!

Television, Big Bathtubs, And Wine

We're on a real vacation from our troubles, here! I've hardly thought about the flood, at least not in a sad way. We did laugh about Ashton's new bowling ball washed away in the flood. (She's on the bowling team at school, and received one as a gift.) Did it sink or did it float? There were no holes drilled in it, yet. After all, the fridge was floating, as was the coffee table and one of the sofas. It's a real science question. What do you think?

We have so much space that we aren't using all of it. We're used to being in smaller quarters. My bathtub here is bigger than my walk-in closet at our house! That's another thing I've been wondering this week; should I get a cot in my bedroom, and use the rest of the space for a giant bathtub when we re-build that room????? Or maybe we could build some kind of bathtub that converts to a bed for sleeping. The pool under the gym floor in "It's A Wonderful Life" springs to mind. I wonder if Mark can do that? Here's a true confession: if I leave the bathroom doors open, I can watch television from the tub in my room here. Now, that truly is my fantasy come to life. Who wouldn't be relaxed watching silly television shows, drinking a glass of wine, and soaking in a hot bath? I also read in there, for those of you judging my television watching! If you are judging my wine consumption, I'll quote one of my favorite Miranda Lambert songs. "I heard Jesus, He drank wine, and I'll bet we'd get along just fine. If He could calm a storm and heal the blind, I bet He'd understand a heart like mine."

I'm in a place where I go to sleep when I want, wake up when I want, eat when I get hungry, and never know what time it is, nor do I care. I can walk down the stairs and I'm at the pool. I can walk across the street and I'm on the beach. Why would I want to leave? (I'm not big about the beach, though. I hate getting sand all over everything. I just like to look at it and walk on it.) Maybe the police will have to drag me out of here kicking and screaming. I know, I know, I'm not a rule breaker, but I just might snap! We'll have to see.......for now, I'm off to take a bath and enjoy a glass of wine!