I Dreamed A Dream In Time Gone By

In the interest of brutal honesty, I find myself really down as forty races toward me. I have always thought it sad and strange when people seem down about turning another year older, but now I identify. Am I more down due to the flood? I don't know. I will never know how I would feel if we hadn't lost our home. It's part of our story now, part of what is. I can never say what would have happened if we had been spared the high water. What makes me sad about turning 40 is that I am not anywhere close to where I dreamed that I would be. Some say they do not remember wondering if they had met their life's goals as the years went by, but I would say that you only think about it and feel sad if you are NOT where you'd like to be.

Sure, not many of us are living the life we thought we'd be living 20 years ago, but different isn't always negative. Some people are doing better than they expected. Can you imagine how many firefighters, policemen, ballerinas, and princesses we would have if our exact dreams had come true? So, different isn't what's getting me down. It's okay that my marriage didn't turn out to be what I dreamed. I made peace with that many years ago, even before it "officially" ended. Here's what feels a bit negative to me: I have no career or financial security, no partner to spend the rest of my life with,and I live with my parents. Hopefully, all of this is temporary, but right now I feel like a huge loser. I've been encouraged to look to the future, and make my plans for the next 20 years, and, don't worry, I have. I still have hope, and that's what will get me through this milestone. That doesn't stop me from worrying that I will be alone at 60 with no kind man by my side who thinks I hung the moon and loves me more than anybody else, or that I won't be able to take care of myself financially.

I know this is a downer post, but it's honest, and I'm not always inclined to look on the bright side. (Just most of the time.)