What a bad day feels like

I wouldn't say that I have sugarcoated things at all in earlier posts, but today was a REAL day. It was a hurting day, a crying day, an angry day. I woke up to a cloudy sky, and my main concern was that my visiting sister would miss out on her hopes for a sunny afternoon by the pool. I turned on the weather channel to see what was up, I'll tell you what was up: the water level. Kansas was having flooding, interstates in Memphis were flooding, and all of this was a perfect opportunity for them to remind us about the floods we had in Nashville in May. Was this coming my way? How much could I pay my contractor to stand at my front door all day long to insure that the univited water would not enter my house? Would the rain "re-wet" my finally dry enough to insulate house? Will I be this terrified forever? All good questions, and so far no flooding in Nashville.

Still, there was a sense of anguish today that gripped me and left a lump lodged in my throat. Something I have learned is that there are many "theaters" in life where you can be "centerstage." When you do something good, you are in the "fabulous person" theater, and oh, how the pride and love of all who know you washes over you. Then there is "the biggest loser theater." (and I do not mean the one where you win money and beauty by losing the most weight.) I know a lot about "the biggest loser theater, because I've spent a lot of time in the spotlight on that stage lately. I used to love the show "Emergency" where two firefighters, John and Roy would rescue people from the ridiculous trouble they had gotten themselves into. I don't suppose anyone remembers the time the lady got her big toe stuck in the water spout in her bathtub? I would fantasize about john and Roy rescuing me, the damsel in distress, as crowds of people worried about my well-being , holding their breath until my dramatic rescue. Now I only wish to turn the spotlight off. Send the crowd of awe-filled onlookers away. Nothing to see here, I want to shout!

But there is plenty to see. My entire family revolves around my problems. My deacon swears she hasn't asked to have me removed from her care group list, but I'm afraid she drew the short straw again! I am tired of being the one who is sick. I am tired of being the one without a job. I am tired of being the one who lost everything in the flood. How dramatic does that sound? I am definitely the star of the biggest loser show, and again, it is not due to enormous weightloss. I'd like to move to the "we're making it okay theater" where plenty of people share the spotlight. I hate being a burden on people who love me,especially my parents. Today was just one of those days filled with frank conversations about my shortcomings and how frustrating I am to others. I knowGod has perfect timing. I've seen it work that way before, and although I am sometimes willing to wait for His timing, it is painfully difficult to do this when my family has a different idea of what good timing will be.

Today I have been mad. I am mad that people often feel free to point out the things I am not doing correctly or quickly enough, but fail to notice that I am giving of myself in the way that I can be right now. Some days it is easy to see how one person kicking a dog can draw in several more. I could never see somebody crying and yet continue to say things to add to the tears, but I am often told that I am too sensitive. Maybe so, but I wouldn't change that about myself. Because I don't have a job (God, please, send me a job!), I am available to pick my nephew up at school, babysit for my nephews, volunteer at Vacation Bible School, make myself available to a friend suffering from a normal bit of the baby blues. I am here to listen when my mom wants to talk about some of her frustrations and sadness. I am still a valuable person, and I am a person with feelings who hates feeling like my parents aren't proud of me anymore. I am a person who gets angry when someone doesn't give me credit for my attempts to look for a job. Then, when I need to take tomorrow to go apply for another job, I feel guilty because who will watch my sisters kids if I'm not available?

So, yes, today has been a BAD day. No progress made on the rebuild, it is pouring rain as I type this, and today was "get Suzanne in a room and tell her all of the ways she is letting you down or pissing you off day." There is NOTHING you can say to me that could make me feel worse about myself. There is much that you can say that will bolster my spirits and encourage me, but today, I would have felt better being taken outside and had rocks thrown at me for an hour, than to have listened again to how I was bringing the family down. So, if you don't mind,I'd like to step out of the spotlight in the "biggest loser theater." I want to be an audience member. And I'll promise you this: I will love and support you no matter what theater you end up in! I will cheer you on, and I will not doubt your efforts.

What does this have to do with the flood? After a day like today, there is nowhere on this Earth that I would rather be than HOME! The flood has taken this one refuge away from me. I have to live and be with some of the people who would shockingly throw me under the proverbial bus. There is no escape for me and my children, little privacy, and anger all the way around. Sometimes I feel like I've been such a failure that it is somehow my fault that my home flooded. How's that for transparency? Not pretty, but true. Don't worry, I'll feel better tomorrow when the rain slows down. Just don't want to blow sunshine up your, well, you know. It's not easy everyday, and today was rough all the way around.